Misfortune Cookies (Ten Delicious Artificial Flavors)

Made from 100% recycled nonsense having nothing to do with you in particular.


Positive motivation is shit, in case you're relying on a fortune cookie to tell you otherwise.


Avoid personal challenges that could undermine your negative self-image.


You'll probably die alone in bed while watching a late night infomercial.


Don't worry, there's still time to pursue some sort of purpose in your life.
Wait, this is a misprint.


This is probably the best you can do, so go ahead and give up now.


At this point, it's best to admit that your father should've pulled out early.


You still have a friend in vodka.


Congratulations, you were the product in this meaningless transaction.


We hope you enjoy your food poisoning. Please come again.

Haiku For Dummies (Seven Brief Examples)

"We're reading all your
poetry. Wow, it's really
bad." — The NSA


$60K in loans
for a master's in writing?
Beer works better. Pass.


Haiku can suck it.
I hate counting syllables.
Wait, that doesn't rhyme.


So today I went
outside and like omigod
there's sunlight and stuff!


Don't read poetry!
Poetry leads to thinking!
Thinking leads to DRUGS!


Animal— flower—
tree— and other pretty things
that are on fire.


Reading sets a bad
example for everyone.
Think of the children!