Twelve Earthbound Alien Communications Intercepted by SETI

UFOs? What UFOs? You people are fucking nuts. *wink-wink*

Free surprise spaceship tours for unsuspecting humans!*

We come in peace. To bum some weed and your HBO Go passwords.

Take us to your dealers—sorry, leaders.

No, really, take us to your leaders: Goldman Sachs, Halliburton, Disney, Walmart, Darth Vader and Ronald McDonald Trump.

Pro tip: Your Burger King drive-throughs are too narrow by about 750 yards.

Stop bitching about mass surveillance. Your government hasn’t been spying on you for nearly as long as we have.

You can tell a lot about a species if the lunatics they put in charge of interplanetary relations are the same ones in charge of the bombs.

Fun fact: Our heat rays are capable of incinerating your entire planet. A good way to avoid this is to stop making terrible sitcoms.

Question: “How come you never abduct us when we’re awake?”
Answer: Shut the fuck up and go back to sleep.

We came, we saw, we fixed the Neanderthal’s DNA… we think…

Scratch that. We take back everything we promised the Air Force in 1947. You’re all going to die.

*Limit one abduction per visitor.

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Misfortune Cookies (Ten Delicious Artificial Flavors)

Made from 100% recycled nonsense having nothing to do with you in particular.


Positive motivation is shit, in case you're relying on a fortune cookie to tell you otherwise.


Avoid personal challenges that could undermine your negative self-image.


You'll probably die alone in bed while watching a late night infomercial.


Don't worry, there's still time to pursue some sort of purpose in your life.
Wait, this is a misprint.


This is probably the best you can do, so go ahead and give up now.


At this point, it's best to admit that your father should've pulled out early.


You still have a friend in vodka.


Congratulations, you were the product in this meaningless transaction.


We hope you enjoy your food poisoning. Please come again.